walk into my life by accident, but decide to stay on purpose.

Comeback post! It’s been a long time; I miss this space…

The muse for this post stems from my bumping into a shadow of my past. To be more exact, she’s someone from my secondary school years. The history between us is complicated, and I have no wish to revisit those memories, but let’s just say she managed to get something I had really wanted (at that time).

So I was trudging along the walkway at Bouna Vista MRT, wanting to get onto a circle line train to One-North. Suddenly I spotted this girl walking towards me. Headed in the opposite direction as I was, she was busy fiddling with her phone and had her other hand on a flimsy file.

Now… I’ve always wondered why some people walk around immaculately dressed, in killer heels and perfect make-up, despite the fact that they most likely go to the same office to meet the same people day after day? I received the answer that day- because it is totally possible to bump into people whom you need to maintain a respectable image for.

For nearly a minute, my mind went bonkers. Did she see me or did she not? What could she be thinking? What’s her opinion of me? How does she see me now? I hope he is well with her. What would I say to her if I had to speak to her? These thoughts raced through my mind, and I concluded that I would never want to talk to her face to face ever, if the choice is mine to make.

Another flickering lightbulb popped up in my head. Why so? The reason came up so swiftly that the realization kidnapped my heart for awhile. BECAUSE I’M FAT. Simple as that. I do not want people who know me from years ago, and have stopped seeing me in recent years, to see me at all. Never mind the pictures on Facebook which already reveal my size. It’s the seeing (and judging) in real life that I imagine to be too harsh for me to handle.

All the talk about being comfortable in my own skin is… not exactly fake, but not completely true. While I am ok with people I hang around with seeing me the way I am, I will try my darnest best to not let anyone whom I have lost contact me see me now. I fear the comments that will slip out of their mouths the moment we say goodbye and I turn my back.

Yes, I am insecure like that.

So now I’m at crux of my little blog post tonight. I can’t hide from people forever. I can’t always reject invitations to meet up for a gathering sessions too. Actually, I wish to re-connect with groups of old friends, just to see how everyone is doing, and to amuse ourselves over how much we have grown and aged. Therefore, I need to slim down. But yeah, I’ve been saying this for too long, like, before I even got fat, so I really do not think there will be a change in my weight in the near future. Despite this post.

Alright I am done ranting.

There are a thousand other thoughts I wish to share here. Let’s see when I’ll find the time and the mood.